Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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