never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
