saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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