The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
