Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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