I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
