I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
