the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
