I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
