I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
