disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
