Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
