Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
