I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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