I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
