Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
