chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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