Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
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I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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