i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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