Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
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Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?