Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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