nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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