also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
