I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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