He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
