I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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