just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
