he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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