I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
