I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
