Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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