Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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