The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
