nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
