im having a threesome with these popsicles
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize
