Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
