so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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