i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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