Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
