My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
