Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
