She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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