Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
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At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Terrible idea I love it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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