just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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