ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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