drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Bring me that man meat
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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