He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
