dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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