and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
