You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
