I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
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