you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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