I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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