My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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