My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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