I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
