I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize