at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
