I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
