she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
