3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
