Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
