I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
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so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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