i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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